Sometimes I hate when I get too personal
The first lesson I got in “I’ll never” was when I was in my mid 20s and I convinced myself and others (ya right) that I was “never” going to eat sugar again. When I came to see on my own how unrealistic that was, instead of admitting it to myself and others, I kept at it. When I commit to something I commit to it.
I’ve learned to be more careful then, to what I commit myself to. But I forget every so often that I’m human, and I find myself in another “I’ll never” situation. For me it’s about the lesson of my actions and choices as much as it is about the specifics and the relationships that go with it. So my life moves a little more slowly now because I dedicate time and energy to both sides of the equation.
I thought online dating was an exception for me. Of course I would never do it. I mean, it would be a train wreck for everyone involved. Right? Of course it was, but I held myself tightly accountable for having always prided myself on saying “I will never do online dating.” That is usually how I find myself doing things that are very far out of my comfort zone, for the record.
I saved screenshots of my weekly changing profile. I was learning about myself so fast, and growing by the minute that I felt obligated to continue to refine myself in the process by being as honest as possible in my profile. And my experiences kept changing in direct correlation to my own growth. It was pretty awesome to watch it happen, and also to live it.
And I’m glad I did. I knew I was done with the whole process when I could completely detach myself from it and see who I was and what I wanted independent of a dating app or another person. Who I am and what I want are the constant variables in my life, and knowing that allowed me to retrace my history in a more complete way.
I can see now that I keep describing the same cycle in every story, it just appears in different forms, at different times in my life. It’s nice to keep track of things and have records. It keeps me connected to myself. And it also allows me to peacefully remain hopeful that bonds like Tony and Tia’s are real. It just might take some time!